Purge The Urge To Merge!

First Published in The Skinny! – June 1, 2009

While riding along in your automobile and admiring the stunning autumn tones, thoughts might turn to wardrobe choices for frolicking in the fall foliage.

It is always important to blend with your surroundings, but here’s the thing – selecting suitable attire is not quite the walk in the national park that it may appear to be, so take note of these forest fashion fabulosities and faux pas!

Steer clear of combat/camouflage ensembles as being mistaken for a tree in some parts of rural and regional Australia can have potentially lethal consequences, and don’t for a moment consider being seen dead in Driza-bones™, garments only ever seen on the backs of visiting international despots – they’re just sooo APEC! To really to look local during a negative weather event try covering your head with the highly endangered Plastic Shopping Bag®; it’s easy on the wallet with a rumpled, just-out-of-bed look no yokel can afford to be without!

Gumboots? Oops! A bit tree-changer, no? To avoid being mistaken for the proprietor of Krystal’s World Of Wind Chimes, stomp across the service station forecourt like you mean it in that factory floor favourite floor now found on every farm, the indestructibly industrial Blunstones© that say ‘YES!’ to me!

Another tip – if garment has a label that reads ‘Country Road’ don’t even think about wearing it while walking down a road in the country – for true pastoral pizzazz, try labels like ‘K-Mart™’ or the more upmarket ‘Target®’ for more of a ‘field’ feel!

And when it comes to ensembles, on no account address any stray son-of-the-soil wearing Moleskin® jeans, a light blue Oxford™ shirt, an Akubra© hat lest they pin you down to demand more government spending and the cancellation of the North-South pipe project.