The Show’s On The Road!

First Published in The Skinny, April 1, 2009

Motoring holidays are a popular pastime but drivers, unable to enjoy the view lest they become part of it, often miss out. Other joys such as catching a glimpse of the local fauna are also denied them, but here’s the thing – there are plenty of wildlife to be observed by watching the road ahead.

The common-or-garden four-wheel drive, Toyotas Maximus, is an imported species now domesticated and found only in captivity. Although sightings of it in its once native habitat are not rare, its size belies a nervous disposition that means it never sets tyre off-road and prefers instead to hunt in the vicinity of inner-city kindergartens.

The humble Ute (Utilitus Blokeus Minimius) is a species which comes in two sub-genus, the mud-splattered wreck Utilitus Grottyus and sophisticated speed machine Utilitus Wankerus, but only one is truly indigenous. The Grottyus blends into its surroundings to disguise the fact that it is only up from the city on the weekends and public holidays while the Wankerus, whose tray will never hold a bail of hay, lives in larger rural communities to prey on bottle shops and burger restaurants.

Seldom seen, however, is Insectus Japanus – this hotted-up 4-cylinder vehicle is heard, yes, but seldom seen, as it travels at a velocity beyond the range of human vision. Although a creature of the city, the Insectus has adapted well to the rural environment where the open roads, hairpins bends and blind corners tests all other road users to their limits.

Lastly there is the 3 kph behemoth that stops you from getting to winery before tea known as the tractor (Rusticus Colossus), although it is debatable as to whether it is a genuine hick or an ironic tree-changer trying just too damn hard.