Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dark Chatter

First published in The Skinny, March 1, 2009

Trips to the country generally require interaction with a local yokel, and whether they’ve been here for eight generations or eight days the Victorian bumpkin can always be relied upon to be civil. However, here’s the thing – this cordiality masks a mindset characterized by obsequiousness, hostility, mistrust and megalomania.

The question ‘What can I do for you?’ drips with servility but it is really a philosophical black hole, an infinitely expanding hypothetical that is not quite expected when simply trying to purchase a decorative stained-glass wind-chime. What, indeed, CAN be done for you? I have always settled, in these circumstances, for having my house painted but the choices are infinite.

Or you might face the more direct but no less perplexing ‘Are you right?’ an inquiry that assumes that truth is absolute and that you must pronounce your degree of correctness if you are ever going to escape with that fine example of Goldfields handicraft. Or is Krystal attempting to discuss party politics? Do Liberal voters not get to buy souvenirs of the Macedon Ranges?

Then Krystal attempts to put you on his mailing list, saying ‘What was your name?’ and thus revealing that he thinks you are either a fugitive from justice or aware of your many past lives. What was your name before you joined the Witness Protection Program? Or when you were an Egyptian Sun God?

Then, just as you are leaving, Krystal mutters ‘Have a nice day’, an order that encumbers you with an onerous burden. What if you can’t? What if you don’t want to? And what gives Krystal the right to put the onus on you? If Krystal wants you to ‘have a nice day’ then maybe he and his ilk shouldn’t constantly barrage you with treacherous platitudes guaranteed to ruin it.

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